Mason's Tips - CB Antennas

To the Editor:

For those intrepid members that managed to wade through all of Talbot's "Clutch Chatter" column in the March issue without suffering brain fade by the end of the first paragraph, I thought I would set forth a brief explanation of the work done in support of my conclusion that magnetic mount CB antennas will physically separate from their support media at speeds approximating 110 mph.

First of all, let me be sure that everyone understands that I have not personally ever operated my car on the public streets at any speed remotely close to 110 mph. No. Really. 65, maybe 70 if I'm following a semi. Honest. And I would never even think about putting a magnetic mount CB antenna on the top of my cherished Porsche. That could scratch the paint. Especially if it blew off on the way to Road Atlanta. And made a real loud scary noise and flopped around on top of the car because the antenna wire was fed through the passenger side window which was then closed to keep out the cool November evening air.

No, my conclusion is based upon a hypothetical theoretical computer model currently loaded on my son's Speak and Spell Supercomputer running in parallel with a 62k Sharp Wizard. This sophisticated program was developed by myself and scientists from the world renowned Porsche Citizen's Band Racing Antenna team. This computer model predicts that if one mounts a magnetic mount CB antenna on the roof of a 1988 Porsche 911 (Grand Prix White) and if the antenna wire is fed through the passenger side window, the window is then closed and the vehicle accelerates to 110 mph on I-75 southbound with a 4 mph cross wind and relative humidity of 37.8%, then the magnetic mount antenna will peel right off and bang the hell out of the car's roof. No foolin. This did not happen. Really.

DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR CAR. It is a job only for trained professionals like myself. And, if you decide to try this experiment with your own vehicle, do not under ANY circumstance open the passenger side window while you are traveling 110 mph because the wildly flailing CB antenna will get sucked backwards by the slipstream until the antenna wire is taut, then fall off to the passenger side of the car and beat the hell out of the side of the car. Trust me on this one. Computers do not fib.

Since there is currently an ever increasing demand for a magnetic mount CB antenna that will remain aerodynamically stable when mounted to Porsches traveling at Warp Factor 7, we will continue our work on this urgent project. Please send donations to the Institute for the Magnetically Challenged, c/o Dave Talbot at this publication. Please be generous, the Institute is running low on the icy cold malt beverages that keep the Supercomputer from overheating. A couple of new AA batteries wouldn't hurt either since the S&S Supercomputer is starting to slur again.

Finally, I would like to extend a special thank you to Dave Talbot for bringing this vital work to the attention of the OVR membership. As a new member of this organization, I am extremely pleased to learn that the members are interested in topics of such social relevance. I am currently working on several projects in addition to the magnetic mount CB antenna and will try to report on them infrequently and sporadically.

Be Seeing You!

Mason Evans

copyright 1996 Mason Evans

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Copyright 1996 Mason Evans
Most recent revision Sunday, September 15, 1996